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Dear Aunt Soinsuch – Not Happy or Gay

“Our Aunt Soinsuch from Cicero has been passing down her advice to us for years and she has graciously agreed to do the same for the readers of She delivers no bullshit wisdom without pulling any punches, though she’s broken a few wooden spoons and can hit a moving target with a shoe from around the corner.”

WARNINGPlease do not follow this advice it is only sarcasm. By following this advice, you may risk prosecution, injury, death or other bad things.

Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

I have a terrible problem and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. My son recently informed me that he’s gay. I don’t know how this could have happened.

We raised our son well. He went to church, well, not every Sunday, but he definitely went to church. No one else in our family has pursued any of this alternative lifestyle nonsense. And now, to add insult to injury, he wants to marry his boyfriend.

My husband thinks I’m making too much out of this but I don’t want to go to a GAY wedding. What do they even do at a gay wedding? Does one of them throw a bouquet and who even would like to catch that?

How do I make him come to his senses and realize that he’s hurting his mother?


Not Happy or Gay

Dear Not Happy,

Why do you care who your son fucks?


Yours Truly,
Aunt Soinsuch

Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

My youngest child came home from summer camp with lice! As you can imagine, I was horrified. I, of course, cleaned the entire house and even shaved his head, as well as checking all of the heads in the house and throwing away all of his stuffed toys.

I know everything has been cleaned and laundered but I can’t shake the feeling that I have lice. My head itches all the time. Even though I’ve checked myself repeatedly and have found no sign of these terrible bugs, I can’t seem to get rid of the itchy scalp. My friends all tell me it’s in my head. What would you do to get rid of this fear?


Psychosomatic Infestation
Dear Psycho,

Oh, no, I wouldn’t listen to your friends at all. What if they’re all wrong and you’ve got a bunch of louses living in your noggin? Nope. Don’t take any chances, I say.

Here’s the best cure for lice infestation I’ve ever heard…

First, part your hair directly down the middle, separating both sides.

Second, dip one side of your head in kerosene, saturating it completely down to the roots.

Third, shave the dry, non-kerosene side of your head down to the scalp.

Now, here’s the tricky part – light the kerosene saturated hair on fire, but keep your eyes focused on the clean, bald part of your head.

When any of those little critters jump out from the flames to make a break for it across your clean shaven scalp, stab ‘em with an ice-pick.

Works every time.

Yours Truly,
Aunt Soinsuch

If you have any questions for Aunt Soinsuch, need advice, or just want to see your name in print, please feel free to write Aunt Soinsuch at & use Dear Aunt Soinsuch for the subject. Readers can find more information about writing to this advice column on our Submissions Page.

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