News Ticker

Disarming Bar Stories

Only in Cicero could a bar story like this be believable but in our town sometimes the unbelievable is what we just call life. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Cicero Bar Scene

This one’s great. A reader sent this one in and asked that she remain anonymous. I edited and cleaned up the grammar some, but I tried to leave it as much in her words as possible.

I was working in this neighborhood bar, not huge but not a tiny hole in the wall, either. This was back in the 90’s. So I’m behind the bar and this guy I know comes in – we’ll call him “Loopy” because he was fucking nuts. Anyway, he came in the bar and I didn’t want to tell him he couldn’t drink there but I was the only one working – there were no male managers in the bar at the time.

So I called him over to the back, brought him in the storeroom and I said, “Listen, I know you’re carrying. I can’t let you stay in here drinking unless you give them to me.”

Loopy rolled his eyes a little but he shrugged his shoulders and started emptying his pockets. He pulled one pistol out of the interior pocket on his coat, one from the small of his back, two from his ankles, by the time he was done there were 7 guns on the counter.

“Okaaaaaay. Is that it?” I asked, kind of laughing.

“Yeah. This jacket doesn’t have as good of pockets as the other one.”

So we go back to the bar and there are about a dozen people. Everyone’s talking and playing the jukebox, just a low key kind of night. And Loopy’s ordering his girly drinks – I don’t know why he liked them but that’s all he drank were girly drinks that wouldn’t give a 13 year old a buzz.

A couple of hours pass, with the same crowd just kind of hanging out and all of a sudden the place goes dead quiet and I look over and there’s Loopy, with a gun to this guy (we’ll call him Jimmy but that wasn’t his name)… anyway Loopy’s got a gun to Jimmy’s head. Now Jimmy’s not even a fighter, he’s just a guy who likes to party and he’s usually just having a good time. You’d think he’d be shitting his pants with a crazy guy holding a gun to his head but he just looks annoyed.

And I’m like, “REALLY?!!! REALLY? I missed one. Where the hell did you have it? Up your ass?”

And we’re all telling him, look you can’t shoot him. It’ll make a big mess, and then we’ll have to clean it, just too much trouble. And then someone says the cops are coming. And when Loopy heard that, his eyes went wide, he took a few steps in the wrong direction and then turned around and scurried out of the bar like some kind of crazy little animal. Just “poof”, gone.
And after he runs out of the bar, Jimmy goes, “Why did he have a bottle up to my head?”

And we’re all like, “What are you talking about? He had a gun up to your head.”

And Jimmy’s eyes got really wide and he’s like, “A gun?! I thought he was holding a beer bottle.”

Which explains why he wasn’t shitting his pants – he wasn’t brave, just drunk and stupid.

The cops really did come in, too, and every one of the people sitting at the bar was like “What are you talking about? Nothing happened here all night.” Even Jimmy said that.

So I finished out my shift and it’s like three in the morning by the time I can lock the doors and leave. I get in my car and look in the rearview and someone in the back seat moved. I jumped like five fucking feet. Instead of actually running away, Loopy went and took a nap in my car. So okay, I offered to drive him home because it wasn’t very far and it was on my way. So we pull up in front of his house and before he gets out of the car he turns and looks at me.

“Thanks for the ride home and everything. Would you like to come up for tea?”

And I said, “Tea? Are you fucking serious? Get out of my car. I hate you.”

It was all I could do not to laugh. Girly drinks and tea.

Leave a Reply

error: Content is protected !!