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Dear Aunt Soinsuch – Not Berry Sorry

Aunt Soinsuch offers satirical advice with a neighborhood twist. Today’s letters include strawberry assault and a rotten teenager.

Soinsuch Vacation Pic

WARNINGPlease do not follow this advice it is only sarcasm. By following this advice, you may risk prosecution, injury, death or other bad things.

Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

I was recently arrested for criminal damage to property for assaulting a strawberry shortcake display at a chain restaurant. Why do I hate strawberries? Let me count the ways.


Seedy Character or Enhancer of Libations

First, there’s the unarguable fact that they are seedy characters – literally. The strawberry just flaunts its seeds (zits) on the outside as if everyone cares or doesn’t mind seeing its reproductive organs. Do you see other fruits act in this way? Have a little decorum, for goodness sake.

But fine, to each their own. But then they started to intrude into the rest of my world. Starbursts, Frankenberry, margaritas, lemonade, fruit salad and don’t get me started on Neapolitan ice cream. Their mere presence assaults my sensibilities to the very core of my being.

I have mostly kept my rage in check and limited my guerrilla warfare to Jewel produce displays and some decidedly shameful behavior against a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Now that we are in peak jelly bean season, I guess I finally snapped.

My lawyer says I should plead out but I still feel my actions are justified. What say you?


Not Berry Sorry


Dear Berry,

What in the bloody fuck is wrong with you?

Berries are delicious. You can serve them in a pie. You can add alcohol. Do you know they make strawberry infused cigars? Those things are fucking great. They are. I’m going to buy you a box.

You’re just not giving berries the proper chance and I think that’s partially because you’re a prude. The judge is going to throw the book at you if you don’t change your ways. So, if you want to get out of doing time or massive fines, what you should do is go to court dressed head to toe as a big old strawberry. Hell, fix a flap that opens to the fly of the costume to prove that you don’t mind seed flaunting. And you have to dance and sing (preferably with the strawberry shortcake doll) when you plead your case – judges spend most of their time bored, they always favor the entertaining defendants.

Yours Truly,

Aunt Soinsuch


Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

My son is 15 and he thinks he knows everything. I know that’s just the age and that most kids think that, but I’m at my wits end with him.

Now we’re getting notes home from the school because he’s failing classes and I had to take time out of work to go meet with his teachers. They say if he doesn’t buckle down and do his homework, he’ll fail. But he won’t listen to me.

He never does his homework when I tell him to and often yells at me. He plays on his phone when I try to make him do his work or he goes to his room and plays on the computer. Does he maybe have a learning disability? Should I take him to see someone? Maybe it’s something I did wrong? What can I do to fix this?


Wits End


Dear Witless,

Yes, it’s something you did wrong. I bet you don’t even own a wooden spoon.

wooden spoon

Child Rearing 101

First of all, he needs to fix this. But he won’t because you seem to think it’s your job to keep giving him phones and computers and letting him talk to you like you’re an asshole.

So here’s what you do. Tomorrow when he’s at school, padlock every ounce of food in the house and take away all of his computers, devices and doodads. That includes his phone. When he gets home, hand him a shovel. Tell him he has two choices, either do his homework or start digging a ditch in the backyard. He doesn’t get any dinner until he does one or the other.

If he’s a real hardhead, you should have a nice in-ground pool by the summer and he’ll have good training for the only job he’s likely to get. Stop babying the little bastard. He’s going to be out robbing our houses in a few years if you keep it up.

Yours Truly,

Aunt Soinsuch

Our Aunt Soinsuch from Cicero has been passing down her advice to us for years and she has graciously agreed to do the same for the readers of She delivers no bullshit wisdom without pulling any punches, though she’s broken a few wooden spoons and can hit a moving target with a shoe from around the corner.

If you have any questions for Aunt Soinsuch, need advice, or just want to see your name in print, please feel free to write Aunt Soinsuch at & use Dear Aunt Soinsuch for the subject. Readers can find more information about writing to this advice column on our Submissions Page.

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