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Dear Aunt Soinsuch – Waffle House Guy

“Our Aunt Soinsuch from Cicero has been passing down her advice to us for years and she has graciously agreed to do the same for the readers of cicerolife.com. She delivers no bullshit wisdom without pulling any punches, though she’s broken a few wooden spoons and can hit a moving target with a shoe from around the corner.”

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WARNINGPlease do not follow this advice it is only sarcasm. By following this advice, you may risk prosecution, injury, death or other bad things.

Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

I love my wife but her parents have god awful taste and some of it rubbed off on her. I mean, they cover their furniture with plastic. Bad grease ball kind of taste. Now I can take some of that, but she’s filling my whole house with these stupid knickknacks and chachkies. They’re all expensive, too, and she puts them in these big cabinets with glass. You feel like you’re walking around in a museum.

Waffle HouseAnyway, I’m just not that guy. I like meat and potatoes and a nice, comfortable couch. As they said in the greatest movie of all time, Tin Cup, “I’m a Waffle House guy. Got to stay in touch with that.”

So how do I get her to get rid of some of that crap without going on strike as far as making dinner and sex?

 

Sincerely,

Waffle House Guy

 

Dear Twat Waffle,

You’re calling Tin Cup the greatest movie of all time and you think you have taste? Seriously?

Waffle Houses don’t make you a good guy, they mean you’re cheap. You know why they cover couches with plastic? Because they’re fucking expensive. You don’t cover a cheap couch with plastic because who gives a fuck if you ruin it. See what I mean?

Your wife wants to bring a little class to her home. I get that you don’t like it but that’s why god made garages. Go fill the carport with a bunch of bargain basement crap and quit complaining. And when your wife writes me a letter, I’m telling her she should have married a banker.

 

Yours Truly,

Aunt Soinsuch

 


 

Dear Aunt Soinsuch,

I was in my husband’s car the other day and found a receipt for a pretty expensive dress. It had his charge information on it, but I haven’t seen any such dress.

My girlfriends say he must be having an affair. I don’t really want to be the wife that goes digging through his stuff to find out for sure. What do you advise?

Sincerely,

Diss Dressed

 

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Dear Diss Dressed,

Yeah. He probably is. You shouldn’t have told your girlfriends because they get all judgy about what you should do, but you can’t go back and change that now.

What probably happened is that the girlfriend wanted you to know, so she left the receipt where you would be sure to find it. So here’s what you do. Go to the swankest underwear shop you can find and buy out the fucking house. I mean negligees, teddies, silk stockings, the works. Make sure it’s at least double whatever he spent on that dress and put it on your husband’s credit card. Then put the receipt in the same place you found the first one. Why? Because fuck her. That’s why.

You’ll know it worked when he comes home with a shiner.Nightie

 

Yours Truly,

Aunt Soinsuch

 

 

If you have any questions for Aunt Soinsuch, need advice, or just want to see your name in print, please feel free to write Aunt Soinsuch at admin@cicerolife.com & use Dear Aunt Soinsuch for the subject. Readers can find more information about writing to this advice column on our Submissions Page.

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